Tag Archives: confidence

A journey to me. A journey to art

It has been a long time. A long time since I’ve been blogging. But also a long time to go on a little adventure, to discover art and inevitably myself as well.

To be honest, it wasn’t just a lack of time that stopped me from blogging. It was partially laziness and mostly me going on a journey that changed everything. After all, I am only 24. And although I experienced a lot I still progress. In the past month I discovered that when it comes to journeys; well they never stop really. A fairly obvious fact, you might think. But when you stuck in the countryside for seven months, looking for a job and literally doing nothing; than it is not that obvious. I almost forgot about my journey of the past two and a half years. The experience I made after moving to the UK, everything that happened before. I also forgot how I rediscovered art and performance. How theatre changed me so drastically.

But now I remember. I remember my past journeys and I know of my present and future ones. And in all of them art, theatre always played ins one way or another a significant role. I’ve been acting since I’m ten. First it was just normal classical amateur theatre. But for me it was a bit more. As a child that was awkward, not ready for society and bullied; simple amateur acting gave me confidence. I suddenly had a stage where I could share parts of myself through a persona that I created and people loved it. I think I subconsciously realised that art somehow would change my journey and help me some day.

The amateur group I belonged to, didn’t last long and for years creativity seemed to be non existent. I seemed to be non existent. Kind of stuck in my role as the outsider, the one that is bullied; sometimes for no reason and sometimes because I behaved terribly. I had a set mind on my career and my future. My journey was planned. Out of boredom I took to writing. And discovered that I was good at it. But I never shared my poems or short stories. And once I did, in Six Form; people thought me to be arrogant because I was writing poems all the time. For some reason they thought that I was doing it to show off. I never did and I don’t now.

The truth is: I was writing, I was acting as a release. It helped me to release all my troubles all the things I was dealing with. I was acting at that time, just not on stage. I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. To be untouchable, to be superior. I needed to pretend. I didn’t think much of myself and was full of self loathing. The only place/ space I could accept myself, where I could be confident – yes almost arrogant- was when I was writing or acting.

It took me several years, a failed marriage, a conversion to Catholicism and some other events to change my journey to self destruction to a journey of healing and self- fulfilment. I still struggle, I still display a certain arrogance when I am not confident in myself. Most obstacles on my personal journey are made and placed by me. I still make bad decisions and mistakes. But I am still travelling, discovering, learning.

My adventure – and I can’t say it too often- was greatly changed through my Performing Arts College course. Discovering new forms of theatre and rediscovering my love for art and writing has broadened my horizon. The change will always be there, inside me. I know now that art will make me and help me on my way, no matter what. It offers everyone the opportunity to express themselves and to share tales and experience. And art can be everything. It’s not just music, painting, acting and so on. Cooking, building something, cleaning, administrative work can be art. Not in the common antic sense, but in your sense and terms. It is more than just a philosophical idea. Every journey, every life is a work of art in the end.

Recently the Response Time Project, I wrote about previously has helped me to manifest my believes about art and about journeys even more. It helped to to discover and experiment with art and performance. To try out thing I didn’t do before. To meet people that challenged my thoughts, my opinions. To witness other artists great work. The response Time Project has given everyone an open space. And in that open space all of us created an environment that enables every participant, every audience member to grow, to discover and learn.

Fittingly the last Response Time Project (this time participants could either perform pieces from previous Response Time Project, new versions of them. Or perform a new piece), called “Me/ Replay/ In a Gallery” dealt heavily with the topic of journeys. It was for some reason and underlying theme in many pieces in my opinion. And so was my major piece as well. Called “Essential Life” it was an abstract performance piece dealing with life and journeys.

I think especially the last Response Time helped me to realise about the journeys we all take. But also about my journey so far, the past the present and also the future. I already was discovering new aspects of my environment and myself and how I think differently about certain things now. But the last Response Time helped me to get the full picture and to look positively into the future. It showed me that my perils, my laughs and that art always had a reason. That this is all for something, for the journey.

Advertisements