This is my second blog now and it’s leading on from my first one. In my first blog I already mentioned that I’m a Christian. Some of my former and present friends were sometimes surprised by thus fact. Not many of my friends are Christians and those who aren’t often had some negative experience with Christianity. I don’t want to sound too egotistically, but I try to be a good example that believing in God can be a good thing. My faith and God always carried me when I was feeling bad and that since I gave my life to Jesus as a child. Although I had a very strong faith, I also went through many crises of faith and had/have problems with the religious and legalistic aspect of Christianity. For a very long time I had problems to unite my faith with my sexuality. Because many churches still think and preach negatively about homosexuality and bisexuality.
I literally grew up in a charismatic church, since my mum worked for this church as a secretary for many years. I loved it to go to church as a child. Our Sunday services had good music were very lively and we children had our own little Sunday services (like Sunday school just more fun). All my friends were from the church as well since my parents preferred me to have friends inside church and I was bullied in school. At home we had to follow strict rules, could only listen to Christian music and read Christian friendly books and so on. But my parents made these rules not my church. No church can fix a broken family, with parents that exchange love with rigidity and false legality.
I was 6 years old when I decided that I was mature enough to give my life to the Lord and become a Christian; therefore accept his forgiveness of my sins. Only later did I really understand what Jesus death on the cross really means, but I already knew as a child that I only wanted to follow Jesus and God. Since I’ve been very little I witnessed how sick people were healed through prayer and how people got new hope through their relationship with God. I witnessed an active and lively form of Christianity, where everyone could be set free through Jesus death on the cross. Everyone was entitled to his love and could be strengthened through God.
But even my church wasn’t perfect and very obedient to law and often hypocritical as so many other churches are as well. I have no problem with Rules or laws, not even with the ones that structure your faith. I can understand many of the rules you can find in all the churches because some rules are good. Especially those you can find in the Bible, in the New Testament.
The most important rule out of the New Testament is: LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Our whole Christianity is based upon this rule and I mean any form of Christian faith or believe. Another important rule is that all the rules of the Old Testament become obsolete through Jesus death at the cross. These are the two most important rules in my opinion you can find in the New Testament.
As a teenager I had problem with the rules and laws that weren’t that clear, that people made, based on interpretations. More and more I witnessed that my church wasn’t only about God’s love. My church –like many other churches- created a system that made it easy for church members to judge over other church members.
If someone was working on a Sunday they were bitching about that. Someone had a Tattoo and this person already received the judgement that he had ruined his body/temple and so on. And so is it no surprise that my church war also very judgemental and imperative with the topic of homosexuality.
My former church like so many free churches, the Catholic Church (which I’m currently a member of) and probably many protestant churches viewed the topic of Homosexuality as something negative. There are exactly 6 passages (Genesis 1:26-28, Genesis 19:4-5, Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1: 21-31, 1. Corinthians 6:9-10, and 1.Timothy 1:9-10) in the bible that mention Homosexuality, not many if you ask me. If we follow the traditional interpretation of these passages than we have to believe that all these passages are statements against Homosexuality. That is why so many churches view sexual orientation, if it is not heterosexual, as a sin. They believe that the bible is very clear about this and my former church didn’t believe any different.
My former church as well preached, that being gay or a lesbian is a choice, a choice we make consciously. A choice we make against God and against the forgiveness of our sins. No homosexual who is living as such, can fully be a Christian according to my former church’s teachings, because a real Christian lets go of all their sins of their past and of the present. But since people who don’t give up on being actively gay, or lesbian, or in my case bisexual live in sin, they can’t be real Christians.
That is way I kept my bisexuality a secret for such a long time. To big was the fear that my parents and my church would abandon me. I also couldn’t accept myself that I was bisexual. As my church I had the firm believe that I somehow had made a choice. That growing up in a broken family had let me to make the decision to be bisexual. I felt like shit.
As much as I wanted to actively live my faith, stand up for it, I couldn’t I strongly believed that God didn’t love me and that he couldn’t accept as one of his children, because I was bisexual. I thought that I committed a very big and bad Sin, that I never could have the relationship with God that I wanted and witnessed around me. I was very disappointed of myself and hated/loathed myself for being bisexual.
As soon as I know that my sexual orientation was ‘not normal’ I tried to fight it. Any feeling of Love or any crush for a girl or a woman was actively supressed by me. I tried to get rid of my supposedly wrong sexuality through daily prayer.
I even considered a so called conversion therapy, a “healing method” my former church endorsed to cure homosexuality (many Christians and churches believe that conversion therapy can help LGBT people to become straight) I tried everything, really everything I could think of to get rid of disposition (eat least I thought of my bisexuality as that at that time). But nothing worked and I ended up being very depressive and also suffered from eating disorder because of my troubles. I wasn’t even 14.
I was at the end of my strength and because I thought that God didn’t love me and that my faith had deceived me, I gave up Christianity. That’s how strong I felt that God or my church and family wouldn’t accept me because of me being bisexual.
But God didn’t give up on me so easily. I was 16 and a half years old when I went on another Christian Youth camp, this time it was an international camp. I was brave enough at that time to openly admit my struggles with Christianity. And it was during that time that I met people that seemed to respect and accept me more than the Christian in my closer environment did. Even though they still viewed the whole topic critically, they seemed to show some respect for people like me.
We also had a prayer room that was open 24hrs a day. One night I couldn’t sleep and decided to go to this prayer room in the hope to meet someone there I could talk to. The only person I found in the room was sleeping and I was therefore practically alone in a room that I once could associate with, but that was so foreign to me now.
First I sat down and read through all the prayers all the others had left there anonymously in a notebook. The love I could find in these prayers brought back old memories. I once was like these people, full of passion for God. I once wanted to become a missionary, wanted to serve God with all my heart. And now I was just pretending to have faith, was thinking that I practised magic and in addition was still bisexual.
What had happened? Why couldn’t I be heterosexual? Why couldn’t I give up ‚my choice ‘for God’s love? I completely broke down. I was crying and silently asked God: „God why? Why can’t I give up this little flaw of mine? I mean I tried. Why can’t I be the person I want to be for you? Why is bisexuality a sin? Why can’t I talk to anyone in my church about this? “I asked God so many questions. I just couldn’t any more, I was finished. Silence surrounded me and pain filled my heart. Everything seemed to so hopeless, as always. I was ready to leave again because of me being tired from all the crying, but then I heard a voice.
God has talked to me before this day, but never in such a way as he talked to me in this night. I couldn’t move, all my pain was gone and instead I could feel God’s voice and love inside me. God talked to me and his words were very clear when he said: „Tashina I LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU ARE BISEXUAL BECAUSE I MADE YOU THIS WAY!!! You have never sinned against me and that is why you shouldn’t hate yourself. I made you as you are and I make no mistakes. I SET YOU FREE TASHINA. YOU ARE FREE!!! Your love for me is enough. I don’t want you to change because I love you as you are.”
I was free. All the self-loathing was gone, all my doubts were gone. I cried again, but this time because I finally knew that God loved, that it was ok to be bisexual. That he was a good father to me.
I only tried once to tell this story, to one of my Youth pastors. But as soon as he heard the word bisexual he silenced me. Since then I kept the whole story to myself, until today. I know share this profound event of my life because I want to bring hope to all the Christian LGBT people who struggle. You are loved, you mustn’t be ashamed. God doesn’t hate you because you are who you are. You are a part of his plan and no one of has to ever change, EVER. You are like me Sinners in the name of the Lord.