The Sound of my River

The Sound of my River

I am really sorry, I haven’t been blogging for a couple of weeks now. It’s not that I don’t want to. I just want to write about several different topics in the next days. I want to write piece on my views on feminism, a piece on Joseph Beuys, an evaluation of my performance at Gas Gallery and so on.

All this of course needs it’s time and some research as well. I also have other commitments at the moment. So I hope you can forgive me and wait just a bit longer. I hope that I can post up my performance evaluation on Thursday. Until then I will leave you this little link here as a treat. I now have my own Soundcloud account and uploaded the sounds on there I used for my performance. Just have a listen and enjoy. Other material such as videos and another sound source will also follow soon.

The River in me

I promised you a full blog yesterday and here it is. Today I will talk more about my involvement with the “Response Time/ Pilotlight” project. I will explain a bit how I spend the last 35 hours and what I devised so far. I also will give some inside about the devising process I used to create a response piece to my stimuli and inspiration; a displayed canvas series in the gallery.

I already showed you my inspiration in my blog yesterday. When I stepped into the gallery on Thursday for the first time ever I noticed the “Three Rivers Dancing” immediately and was in awe. I was generally fascinated by Sandra Masterson’s artwork. Aislinn Knight’s work was inspiring as well, although Masterson’s work was more interesting to me. I had ideas right away and am still not sure if that was so, because I hadn’t devised any performance work for a while. All artworks were a real inspiration, as was the gallery itself; which was a car shop once.

After I inspected every inch of the gallery, I sat down to note my ideas down. I often do this when I devise work. Notes and photos help me a lot at times to formulate my ideas and to make them become clearer. Because I had a lot of inspiration and stimuli to choose from, I created a rather long lists of ideas. Here a little extract of all the ideas I had and to which stimuli they respond to:

  • To create a movement sequence based on “Three Rivers dancing”.

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  • To recite the poem “Der Erlkoenig” (by Goethe) while I hide ino of the secret cupboard of the gallery.

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  • Staging a spontaneous protest against the Kyoto protocol and to hold a hate speech against global warming.

  • Recording nature sounds and play them while I recite definitions and quotes concerning the topics of nature and landscape

  • To “re-open” one of the famous Parisian 1900 cafés and to hold a philosophical discussion about nature, art and landscape.

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The actual list is longer. But in the end I needed to make a decision and chose the ideas I wanted to pursue further. I choose three favourite ideas and decided to test them all out in the next 24 hours to see where they lead me. My main focus was on the creation of a movement sequence as a reaction to the already mentioned canvas series(„Three Rivers Dancing“), and was also considering to incorporate recordings of nature sounds. My second ideas was it to use Goethe’s poem and my last, to create a text out of definitions and quotes concerning nature & landscape and to perform that text

Yesterday I started my devising process, by focusing on my first idea; to create a choreography for my movement piece as a reaction to the picture. During the day I managed to devise my first two minutes of the final piece. I have to add, that it’s normal to spend so much time to create movements and to find the right/ fitting ones. This is because I attempt, to find and create movements, that are related to abstract terms. With this work, I had the goal in mind; to develop movements that retract & retrace the flow/ the forms of the depicted rivers. I especially wanted to develop step movements and patterns that duplicate and imitate the river paintings. But I also wanted to create this form of “cloning” & duplication with other body parts; such as my arms, my hips and my face.

In addition, I also wanted to create movements den I personally associate with the term ‘River’. I recalled memories of my childhood, my movement pattern of this time when I was playing at the river and tried to revive some of them. I tried to adapt this movements – inspired by memories – so that they fit the mode I sensed in the pictures. I also used the physical vocabulary system “In all Languages” to create some individual movements.

I tried to piece all individual sequences together, after I constructed enough of these. I edited and changed these many times, until I was happy with the result. Today (Saturday) I devised my movement piece further, still using the same techniques and managed to finish the piece. I can only hope that it will be at least half descent.

Then I had the idea to incorporate my third idea somehow and to use nature sounds and recorded text as the soundtrack of my piece. On Friday I was clever enough to record the water noises of a river near my house. I also searched the internet for any definition of nature and landscape last night. The best ones were copied and paste into a word document

First I read through all the definitions and got rid of the parts that weren’t interesting for me. Then I changed them and abstracted them, and also added a bit of my own text. Towards the end of the process I rearranged the snippets that were left and had a good text as a final product. I then recorded the text and another participant mixed the river sounds with the text recording and created a soundtrack for me.

It was great fun to devise my piece and to participate. Response Time just reminded me, that I made the right decision, to pursue my dream and to follow my passion. The last 35 hours once again reminded me, why I choose theatre and performing as my future. This project also offered a platform for me to use my fantasy,to work hard yet again and to develop my talent. I really cannot wait to share my piece and to maybe inspire people to find their own inner river. As I found my inner river.

My inspiration

Hi folks,

I know I promised a complete Blog, but sadly I cannot deliver today. My laptop broke down completely and I just managed to restore it its original state.

But I will give a little hint to my inspiration and my idea for the project I’m planning to do. I filmed  a river today that is near my house. If i get some descent Internet conncetion tomrrow I can and will upload the video to Youtube and share it on this blog. But I won’t promise that. My idea is it to create a movement sequence based on the movements of a river and based on the canvas series from  Sandra Masterson called “Three dancing Rivers”. Here is a photo of one of the canvases:

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I will post up as full blog about the devising process and other ideas I had, I promise.

My light is the Pilotlight

Today I’m going to blog about something different, I’m going to blog about art. Or to be precise my current involvement in a local arts project here in Wales.

As I mentioned in my introduction, I’m an artist or a performer to be precise. I hope that one day I will make acting or performing my profession and will be able to make a living out of the one thing I love to do and am more than passionate about. In the past two years I’ve been studying Performing Arts at my local college and will go to University next year. I needed to defer due to financial issues. And I really didn’t think I would get an opportunity that easily and that soon to do some performance work in this year.

But thankfully I thought wrong. I happened to follow the right people on Twitter and stumbled upon a tweet by James Baker who I met through my course. His tweet lead me to Sandra Bendelow and her account and I started to follow her. You see, Twitter has it’s merit and significance in our modern day society.

By following Sandra, who is a producer of Scriptography Productions, I did a smart thing. Because this company seeks to create opportunities for writers and/or performers who are interested in creating performance work, mainly written work made for performance. Check out their blog out to get more information and see what cool stuff they already did.

As luck had it, Scriptography Productions just had launched a new project and was looking for participants. This project will take place this weekend from the 20th until 22nd of September in the Gas Gallery in Aberystwyth, the next nearby town to where I live. Gas Gallery is a “new spot” in the art scene and community in this area. I always wanted to check this place out and now I had the perfect opportunity to do so. I checked out the project idea and its intend. I was captivated by the idea of creating a performance in just 48 hours and to perform it in a Gallery. To be frank, I always wanted to perform in a Gallery and now I had a chance to do so right in front of my face. I couldn’t resist and apply.

And thankfully my kind of application was accepted and now I will create a performance in response to the art that’s on exhibition. And I have to say I really love the paintings and installations that found their current place in Gas Gallery. The two artists( Sandra Masterson and Aislinn Knight) who exhibit their pieces in the space both incorporated the topic of nature and landscape, but both in their own way. Here are some photos of their work.

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(Paintings by Aislinn Knight)

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(Painting by Aislinn Knight)

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(Painting by Sandra Masterson)

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(Installation by Sandra Masterson)

I’m really excited and a bit nervous about my involvement in this project. It has been three months now since my last performance, but I think that this project is just the right start for me to not only get involved in the local art and performance community but to also find a space to develop my passion and my skills further.

I’ve been to the gallery today and felt very inspired by the space itself and by the work. Tomorrow I will blog about some of these inspirations and the process of developing my three favourite ideas and how I got them in the first place.

Helpful Links:

Gas Gallery homepage: http://www.celfceredigionart.org/exhibs.html

Project Outline: http://scriptographyproductions.wordpress.com/2013/09/09/gas-gallery-response-time/

Scriptography’s WordPress account: http://scriptographyproductions.wordpress.com/

A letter to some churches out there

Although this probably won’t be my last post concerning LGBT topics, it will be the last part of my series, concerning my personal experience and hardship with my sexual identity. I never had the chance to talk to someone from my former church, but feel that now might be the time. I therefore decided to write an open letter to them,  not only them but also other churches out there and are like them. I hope that some of these churches might take this letter as an opportunity to change.

To my church,

It feels weird writing this letter to you and all the members. I grew up amongst you all. I know a lot of you people personally and played with all your second generation when I was your child. I went to Sunday school and enjoyed every minute of it. All my friends during my childhood and teenager/ adolescent years where members of this church. You were my second family, the place I called ‘home’.

And I’m ashamed that I never told you in person why I don’t call you ‘home’ any longer; why I have left. Why I decided to make a complete 180 degree turn and become Catholic. I never gave you any reason, but I always believed you somehow knew any way why I left. And if you didn’t, then a lot of you just proved my opinion, my reason for leaving.

Because when I left, I not only lost a great church but also most of my friends. All of the sudden people stopped talking to me. And a lot of church members behaved unfriendly towards me. And that is why I left, my former church. I couldn’t participate and be witness to the church’s legality, self-righteousness, bigotry but most of all the church’s behaviour towards LGBT people and none church members.

From the outside, you seem to be the perfect charismatic church, but you struggle like so many other evangelical churches with the same problems. Sure you have a great worship with modern songs. And your Sunday service is very charismatic, modern and almost never boring. And all the leaders try to engage personally with the church members and everyone tries to have a personal and friendly relationship with each other. And all this is great and undoubtedly your strength. Many Catholic, Protestant/Anglican churches are not like that.

But all this isn’t going to save you from your faults. For years the memberships of your church have been declining and all you can think of preventing this, is by modernising your Sunday Service more. But people don’t leave because your service has become boring. They leave – and that is why I left because you have become a church practising legality over love. Your leaders and the powerful in the church have created an atmosphere where everyone is a fair game for wrong and hateful judgement by others, especially by the elite. Once someone seems to do something that goes against the bible, even against the old rules of the Old Testament, they have to face your judgement, some heavy group pressure and a bad image as a burden.

No one is save. A woman only needs to wear a shirt that shows too much cleavage and she already is in trouble. But it’s even worse how you handle the LGBT and Sex topic. You tell your teenagers and young adults that they will lose part of their soul when they have sex before marriage. When I confined in a church member that I had sex before marriage, she betrayed my trust, told everyone and I was punished. I was told to repent and that I was not walking with God any longer. I didn’t even dare to indicate that I’m bisexual.

Your church doesn’t even teach children that they are LGBT people out there and parents are advised to only talk about the topic when asked. I didn’t know anything about homosexuals until I was 12 because of this praxis. But what is even worse is how you condemn the LGBT community. When you preach about this topic, you always have the same message: Love the Sinner, hate the Sin. Do you know how this sounds to such a sinner? After a while I couldn’t hear it any more. After a while I felt not accepted any more and knew I have lost my second family; my second home. And although you tell to love the sinner, you don’t really keep to your own word. You openly and publicly endorse conversion/ ex-gay therapy and have advised some of your own members to complete such a therapy. This therapies are dangerous and every existing health organisation in this world warns and advice against them. Instead of treading people in your church that believe that they might be homosexual with the care they seek, you tell them that they need to be freed. You offer them to pray against their temptations and help them to get back on the right path. If someone doesn’t want to change, you accuse them of making the wrong choice and that they will have to pay for their decision one day.

I once believed all this crap and let this hatred control me and every part of my live. But then my eyes were opened and I couldn’t participate in this way of life no longer. It is not right that I as a respected member, who grew up amongst you, have to suppress what I am by nature. It is not right that you tell me that I made a choice, that I was able to choose which gender I feel attracted to. It is not right that people are uneducated and afraid and only know the one side of the story. Your suppression, your message is damaging to the people concerned and to yourself. You indirectly fuel homophobia and directly brainwash church members like my mother, who still believes in your message. Your behaviour, your legality leads to the declining membership that concerns you. LGBT people amongst you probably suffer from depression and self loathing. They either hide their orientation and pretend to be ‘normal’ or even enter conversion therapy to change. The ones who won’t change have no future in your church and have to leave it behind, like me. And like me this people are probably bitter about the experience they made.

Dear Church, I am bitter, enraged, sad and hurt. All this feelings stand in the way to be objective towards you, to forgive you. I battle with these feelings for years now. I know they are not right, I know I should forgive you. And maybe by writing all these things down, by letting my anger out I’m able to. I wish that this becomes reality. I’m sorry for being angry at you but I’m also sorry for the way you behaved and maybe still behave towards the LGBT community.

I admit that I’m weak and far from perfect, but that is why I’m a Christian. Because I know I need Jesus and his unconditional love. I know that without God I wouldn’t be here. But are you able to admit your faults? Are you able to look at your teachings and behaviour a bit closer? Are you able to see, that we are all made in God’s way, no matter if we are straight or gay? I left because I felt not save any more, because I couldn’t see God any longer. He loves me the way I am, this I know. He told me so personally. I don’t need to change for him, so why should I for you?

Dear church, I’m sorry for all of this and for never telling you the truth. I sometimes miss that great place that I called home and all the people I called friends and I so wish that these people could just try to understand.

Your former Church member

Hurt, Proclamation and Forgiveness

It’s not easy to be different, no matter why you are different. If you aren’t part of “society”, if you are not part of the big majority, then you as the so called minority can discover problems. Our modern day, present day society is constructed in such a way that it favours the majority (or the majority designs society to favour them) and only protect the minority if this minority fights for it equal rights. And even then we still face discrimination because society has a problem with your skin colour, the language you speak, your faith and so on. And because one might be homosexual instead of being heterosexual. No wonder that I’m not a huge fan of society.

Although I’m not sure if I ever was a victim of discrimination due to my bisexuality. Sure I got threatened and bullied because of that and faced many attacks. But this didn’t stop to stand to my sexual orientation, once I was able to accept it. As soon as I could stand to it, I always proclaimed my orientation and stopped lying about it. Very often I received negative response and lost many friends. Now I’m ready to forgive my attackers and the people who hurt me.

It’s not easy to be a Christian and to be open about your sexual orientation, not easy when you are bisexual like me. Sometimes one receives positive reactions but way too often negative ones. Although I was able to live with my sexual orientation despite my faith since 2006, I wasn’t brave enough to proclaim my orientation in my church. I told my non-Christian friends about me being bisexual first. Then, years later, I mean years later I told my parents that I just happened to be bisexual and would never fit into their views of the world. I received mixed reactions.

The one parent (the one I didn’t expect it from) accepted it right away and the other didn’t. Until today this parent thinks I commit a heavy sin by being who I am and won’t ever be able to accept me, tolerate me and love me fully. The overwhelming negative reaction of this p[aren’t hurt  me very much and is main reason for my present day depression (phases) and thoughts about suicide. How can it not to know that one of your parents thinks that you’re some kind of abomination and can never accept you as the person you are? But I don’t have the power anymore to fight, or to be angry or hurt. Although sometimes I’m still hurt. But hey, my parents just have to live with the fact that I might end up spending life with a woman, otherwise they won’t a part of my life anymore. Simple as. And still; I still try to forgive them and all the others.

I never talked openly about my orientation with anyone in my former church, but still some members seemed to know what was going on (how I don’t know). By now everyone should know through this blog. Sometimes one of my fellow church members tried to talk to me about the topic indirectly. The message was always clear: That I should change my ways. Somehow people all of the sudden treated me differently for no reason and I lost many friends. I’m not sure if that was because of my orientation, or because I was in open rebellion against my former church at that time. No one of course said anything to my face, but the church kept to its negative and hateful teachings about homosexuality.

Of course that made me feel like I couldn’t live openly as a bisexual in my church and so I left the place I called home with a broken heart. I lost more friends because of that and many people from that church rather not talk to me any longer. For a long time I travelled from church to church, from denomination to denomination. No church was comfortable with my orientation, neither the Pentecostal church of my ex-husband, nor the protestant church, he as well belonged to. Many hurtful things were said and I still didn’t give up. I knew that God was on my side.

I now belong to the Roman Catholic Church, a branch of Christian churches not very well known for a positive view regarding homosexuality. But it was in this supposedly ultra conservative environment that I received very positive reactions.  The leaders of the Catholic Church might still stick to their century old believes, but that doesn’t mean the local church does. Especially in the cities the local churches are very tolerant and accepting. So was mine in Frankfurt. Here in the countryside it’s a bit different of course (another reason might be the historical and cultural differences). It’s always the people who celebrate the holy communion and mass, a priest once told me. Not the music dictates the tone, the tone dictates the music. A view I can only agree on.

I as well hurt a lot of people in the past and that is why I know how important forgiveness is. There are still a lot of people out there I have to ask for forgiveness, since it only dawned on me recently that I actually hurt thus people. And I want to also try to forgive all the people who hurt me. Finally after years of hurt, pain and sulking I’m ready to forgive these people who hurt me because of my orientation. I know that I need God’s help in that matter, since I’m so afraid to actually let go and write down all this. I pray for the wisdom and strength I need in order to this. I also pray daily that I one day meet someone from the evangelical corner who I can talk openly to about my orientation and won’t receive hate but love and tolerance instead.

I don’t want to sulk in my negative experience any longer and want to deal with my orientation in a positive light. Will there be someone, one day who, will discriminate me because of my sexual orientation? Most probably yes. But I will try my best to meet this person in love and not in hate, at least I will try. God knows that I will need its divine support in that matter. It’s my time now to share God’s love which I experienced with everyone, including my enemies. I don’t want to proclaim hate and pain, but love and forgiveness. I promise this. Amen (It shall be).

 

Sinners in the name of the Lord

This is my second blog now and it’s leading on from my first one. In my first blog I already mentioned that I’m a Christian. Some of my former and present friends were sometimes surprised by thus fact. Not many of my friends are Christians and those who aren’t often had some negative experience with Christianity. I don’t want to sound too egotistically, but I try to be a good example that believing in God can be a good thing. My faith and God always carried me when I was feeling bad and that since I gave my life to Jesus as a child. Although I had a very strong faith, I also went through many crises of faith and had/have problems with the religious and legalistic aspect of Christianity. For a very long time I had problems to unite my faith with my sexuality. Because many churches still think and preach negatively about homosexuality and bisexuality.

I literally grew up in a charismatic church, since my mum worked for this church as a secretary for many years. I loved it to go to church as a child. Our Sunday services had good music were very lively and we children had our own little Sunday services (like Sunday school just more fun). All my friends were from the church as well since my parents preferred me to have friends inside church and I was bullied in school. At home we had to follow strict rules, could only listen to Christian music and read Christian friendly books and so on. But my parents made these rules not my church. No church can fix a broken family, with parents that exchange love with rigidity and false legality.

I was 6 years old when I decided that I was mature enough to give my life to the Lord and become a Christian; therefore accept his forgiveness of my sins. Only later did I really understand what Jesus death on the cross really means, but I already knew as a child that I only wanted to follow Jesus and God. Since I’ve been very little I witnessed how sick people were healed through prayer and how people got new hope through their relationship with God. I witnessed an active and lively form of Christianity, where everyone could be set free through Jesus death on the cross. Everyone was entitled to his love and could be strengthened through God.

But even my church wasn’t perfect and very obedient to law and often hypocritical as so many other churches are as well. I have no problem with Rules or laws, not even with the ones that structure your faith. I can understand many of the rules you can find in all the churches because some rules are good. Especially those you can find in the Bible, in the New Testament.

The most important rule out of the New Testament is: LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Our whole Christianity is based upon this rule and I mean any form of Christian faith or believe. Another important rule is that all the rules of the Old Testament become obsolete through Jesus death at the cross.  These are the two most important rules in my opinion you can find in the New Testament.

As a teenager I had problem with the rules and laws that weren’t that clear, that people made, based on interpretations. More and more I witnessed that my church wasn’t only about God’s love. My church –like many other churches- created a system that made it easy for church members to judge over other church members.

If someone was working on a Sunday they were bitching about that. Someone had a Tattoo and this person already received the judgement that he had ruined his body/temple and so on. And so is it no surprise that my church war also very judgemental and imperative with the topic of homosexuality.

My former church like so many free churches, the Catholic Church (which I’m currently a member of) and probably many protestant churches viewed the topic of Homosexuality as something negative. There are exactly 6 passages (Genesis 1:26-28, Genesis 19:4-5, Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1: 21-31, 1. Corinthians 6:9-10, and 1.Timothy 1:9-10)   in the bible that mention Homosexuality, not many if you ask me. If we follow the traditional interpretation of these passages than we have to believe that all these passages are statements against Homosexuality. That is why so many churches view sexual orientation, if it is not heterosexual, as a sin. They believe that the bible is very clear about this and my former church didn’t believe any different.

My former church as well preached, that being gay or a lesbian is a choice, a choice we make consciously. A choice we make against God and against the forgiveness of our sins. No homosexual who is living as such, can fully be a Christian according to my former church’s teachings, because a real Christian lets go of all their sins of their past and of the present. But since people who don’t give up on being actively gay, or lesbian, or in my case bisexual live in sin, they can’t be real Christians.

That is way I kept my bisexuality a secret for such a long time. To big was the fear that my parents and my church would abandon me. I also couldn’t accept myself that I was bisexual. As my church I had the firm believe that I somehow had made a choice. That growing up in a broken family had let me to make the decision to be bisexual. I felt like shit.

As much as I wanted to actively live my faith, stand up for it, I couldn’t I strongly believed that God didn’t love me and that he couldn’t accept as one of his children, because I was bisexual. I thought that I committed a very big and bad Sin, that I never could have the relationship with God that I wanted and witnessed around me. I was very disappointed of myself and hated/loathed myself for being bisexual.

As soon as I know that my sexual orientation was ‘not normal’ I tried to fight it. Any feeling of Love or any crush for a girl or a woman was actively supressed by me. I tried to get rid of my supposedly wrong sexuality through daily prayer.

I even considered a so called conversion therapy, a “healing method” my former church endorsed to cure homosexuality (many Christians and churches believe that conversion therapy can help LGBT people to become straight) I tried everything, really everything I could think of to get rid of disposition (eat least I thought of my bisexuality as that at that time). But nothing worked and I ended up being very depressive and also suffered from eating disorder because of my troubles. I wasn’t even 14.

I was at the end of my strength and because I thought that God didn’t love me and that my faith had deceived me, I gave up Christianity. That’s how strong I felt that God or my church and family wouldn’t accept me because of me being bisexual.

But God didn’t give up on me so easily. I was 16 and a half years old when I went on another Christian Youth camp, this time it was an international camp. I was brave enough at that time to openly admit my struggles with Christianity. And it was during that time that I met people that seemed to respect and accept me more than the Christian in my closer environment did. Even though they still viewed the whole topic critically, they seemed to show some respect for people like me.

We also had a prayer room that was open 24hrs a day. One night I couldn’t sleep and decided to go to this prayer room in the hope to meet someone there I could talk to. The only person I found in the room was sleeping and I was therefore practically alone in a room that I once could associate with, but that was so foreign to me now.

First I sat down and read through all the prayers all the others had left there anonymously in a notebook.  The love I could find in these prayers brought back old memories. I once was like these people, full of passion for God. I once wanted to become a missionary, wanted to serve God with all my heart. And now I was just pretending to have faith, was thinking that I practised magic and in addition was still bisexual.

What had happened? Why couldn’t I be heterosexual? Why couldn’t I give up ‚my choice ‘for God’s love? I completely broke down. I was crying and silently asked God: „God why? Why can’t I give up this little flaw of mine? I mean I tried.  Why can’t I be the person I want to be for you? Why is bisexuality a sin? Why can’t I talk to anyone in my church about this? “I asked God so many questions. I just couldn’t any more, I was finished. Silence surrounded me and pain filled my heart. Everything seemed to so hopeless, as always. I was ready to leave again because of me being tired from all the crying, but then I heard a voice.

God has talked to me before this day, but never in such a way as he talked to me in this night. I couldn’t move, all my pain was gone and instead I could feel God’s voice and love inside me. God talked to me and his words were very clear when he said: „Tashina I LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU ARE BISEXUAL BECAUSE I MADE YOU THIS WAY!!! You have never sinned against me and that is why you shouldn’t hate yourself. I made you as you are and I make no mistakes. I SET YOU FREE TASHINA. YOU ARE FREE!!! Your love for me is enough. I don’t want you to change because I love you as you are.”  

I was free. All the self-loathing was gone, all my doubts were gone. I cried again, but this time because I finally knew that God loved, that it was ok to be bisexual. That he was a good father to me.

I only tried once to tell this story, to one of my Youth pastors. But as soon as he heard the word bisexual he silenced me. Since then I kept the whole story to myself, until today. I know share this profound event of my life because I want to bring hope to all the Christian LGBT people who struggle. You are loved, you mustn’t be ashamed. God doesn’t hate you because you are who you are. You are a part of his plan and no one of has to ever change, EVER. You are like me Sinners in the name of the Lord.

 

Thoughts are fre… not always

 

Hello,

I’m Tashina. (I will sometimes post under my artistic name A.M.Young) and this is my first blog. Well actually it isn’t. I already tried to write a blog a few months back but was unhappy with the blog site and its offers and that’s why I relocated to WordPress. Well a bit of unneeded information here, but oh well.

I know that many bloggers introduce themselves first before they start to write proper texts that deal with the themes that interest them. I will do that, but in a more indirect way. You don’t really need to read more unimportant information. If there is topic I want to talk about and my life is affected by it directly, I will tell you so. As in today’s blog for example and now let me begin again with a more proper introduction.

So hello again, I’m Tashina, 23 years old and live in Great Britain, but am German. I’m bisexual and normally I would leave it there. But not today, today a normal coming out is not enough. Because today I want to start to tell you my story and how my sexuality has controlled my life; or to be precise; how I tried to control my sexual orientation. Unfortunately I can’t just say: “I’m bisexual and that is a good thing.” Too many people still have a problem that not everyone is heterosexual. Even in present days, after there has been a massive change for LGBT people, we still face problems. Although a huge part of society is quite tolerant towards us, at least I want to believe that. A lot of Christians seem to have a problem with us, or so it seems.

WARNING!!!!! I myself am a Christian and that is why I will talk about my faith on this blog. If someone has a problem with that, please look for another blog before you say something offensive her. I don’t stupid comments here. END OF WARNING!!!

But also people who are not Christians, Atheists as well seem to have a problem with a small minority. And yes LGBT people are a minority. According to the latest stats only 1-4% per cent of all people ON THIS PLANET are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual. I don’t believe any official numbers and personally believe that we make up more 5-7% of the whole world population. It might be true that a great part has less or no problems with homosexuality, but the picture is a bit different when it comes to bisexuality. People like me, teenagers or adults face not only hostile treatment from “normal” people, but some gays and lesbians treat us very hostile as well. One of my former lesbian friends really said to be once that I was bisexual because I couldn’t face the fact that I was a lesbian. Another gay friend of mine told me that I was needy and just couldn’t enough because of me being bisexual. As if.  I’m not a player, I believe in the good old long lasting monogamous relationship. I’m not bisexual because I am extremely needy and greedy or because I’m a secret lesbian. To be honest I have no clue why I am bisexual. I just know that I fall in love with a girl sometimes and sometimes I fall in love with a boy. But many people can’t or won’t understand my sexual orientation and are ignorant towards it. Even my parents are ignorant. My life is defined by this ignorance and by missing respect for my sexuality. For a long time I tried to control my bisexuality, tried to suppress it. For a long time I imprisoned my thoughts instead of letting them be free. I was too afraid to tell my story for far too long. But I have enough of this; I can’t play this stupid game any longer and will stand to what I am. And that is why I will write how my sexuality influenced my life.