Category Archives: Uncategorized

Hurt, Proclamation and Forgiveness

It’s not easy to be different, no matter why you are different. If you aren’t part of “society”, if you are not part of the big majority, then you as the so called minority can discover problems. Our modern day, present day society is constructed in such a way that it favours the majority (or the majority designs society to favour them) and only protect the minority if this minority fights for it equal rights. And even then we still face discrimination because society has a problem with your skin colour, the language you speak, your faith and so on. And because one might be homosexual instead of being heterosexual. No wonder that I’m not a huge fan of society.

Although I’m not sure if I ever was a victim of discrimination due to my bisexuality. Sure I got threatened and bullied because of that and faced many attacks. But this didn’t stop to stand to my sexual orientation, once I was able to accept it. As soon as I could stand to it, I always proclaimed my orientation and stopped lying about it. Very often I received negative response and lost many friends. Now I’m ready to forgive my attackers and the people who hurt me.

It’s not easy to be a Christian and to be open about your sexual orientation, not easy when you are bisexual like me. Sometimes one receives positive reactions but way too often negative ones. Although I was able to live with my sexual orientation despite my faith since 2006, I wasn’t brave enough to proclaim my orientation in my church. I told my non-Christian friends about me being bisexual first. Then, years later, I mean years later I told my parents that I just happened to be bisexual and would never fit into their views of the world. I received mixed reactions.

The one parent (the one I didn’t expect it from) accepted it right away and the other didn’t. Until today, this parent thinks that I’m committing a heavy sin by being who I am, and won’t ever be able to accept me, tolerate me and love me fully. The overwhelming negative reaction of this parent hurt  me very much and is main reason for my present day depression (phases) and thoughts about suicide.  But I don’t have the power anymore to fight, or to be angry or hurt. Although sometimes I’m still hurt. But hey, my parents just have to live with the fact that I might end up spending life with a woman, otherwise they won’t a part of my life anymore. Simple as. And still; I still try to forgive them and all the others.

I never talked openly about my orientation with anyone in my former church, but still some members seemed to know what was going on (how I don’t know). By now everyone should know through this blog. Sometimes one of my fellow church members tried to talk to me about the topic indirectly. The message was always clear: That I should change my ways. Somehow people all of the sudden treated me differently for no reason and I lost many friends. I’m not sure if that was because of my orientation, or because I was in open rebellion against my former church at that time. No one of course said anything to my face, but the church kept to its negative and hateful teachings about homosexuality.

Of course that made me feel like I couldn’t live openly as a bisexual in my church and so I left the place I called home with a broken heart. I lost more friends because of that and many people from that church rather not talk to me any longer. For a long time I travelled from church to church, from denomination to denomination. No church was comfortable with my orientation, neither the Pentecostal church of my ex-husband, nor the protestant church, he as well belonged to. Many hurtful things were said and I still didn’t give up. I knew that God was on my side.

I now belong to the Roman Catholic Church, a branch of Christian churches not very well known for a positive view regarding homosexuality. But it was in this supposedly ultra conservative environment that I received very positive reactions.  The leaders of the Catholic Church might still stick to their century old believes, but that doesn’t mean the local church does. Especially in the cities the local churches are very tolerant and accepting. So was mine in Frankfurt. Here in the countryside it’s a bit different of course (another reason might be the historical and cultural differences). It’s always the people who celebrate the holy communion and mass, a priest once told me. Not the music dictates the tone, the tone dictates the music. A view I can only agree on.

I as well hurt a lot of people in the past and that is why I know how important forgiveness is. There are still a lot of people out there I have to ask for forgiveness, since it only dawned on me recently that I actually hurt thus people. And I want to also try to forgive all the people who hurt me. Finally after years of hurt, pain and sulking I’m ready to forgive these people who hurt me because of my orientation. I know that I need God’s help in that matter, since I’m so afraid to actually let go and write down all this. I pray for the wisdom and strength I need in order to this. I also pray daily that I one day meet someone from the evangelical corner who I can talk openly to about my orientation and won’t receive hate but love and tolerance instead.

I don’t want to sulk in my negative experience any longer and want to deal with my orientation in a positive light. Will there be someone, one day who, will discriminate me because of my sexual orientation? Most probably yes. But I will try my best to meet this person in love and not in hate, at least I will try. God knows that I will need its divine support in that matter. It’s my time now to share God’s love which I experienced with everyone, including my enemies. I don’t want to proclaim hate and pain, but love and forgiveness. I promise this. Amen (It shall be).



Sinners in the Name of the Lord

This is my second blog now and it’s leading on from my first one. In my first blog I already mentioned that I’m a Christian. Some of my former and present friends were sometimes surprised by thus fact. Not many of my friends are Christians and those who aren’t often had some negative experience with Christianity. I don’t want to sound too egotistically, but I try to be a good example that believing in God can be a good thing. My faith and God always carried me when I was feeling bad and that since I gave my life to Jesus as a child. Although I had a very strong faith, I also went through many crises of faith and had/have problems with the religious and legalistic aspect of Christianity. For a very long time I had problems to unite my faith with my sexuality. Because many churches still think and preach negatively about homosexuality and bisexuality.

I literally grew up in a charismatic church, since my mum worked for this church as a secretary for many years. I loved it to go to church as a child. Our Sunday services had good music were very lively and we children had our own little Sunday services (like Sunday school just more fun). All my friends were from the church as well since my parents preferred me to have friends inside church and I was bullied in school. At home we had to follow strict rules, could only listen to Christian music and read Christian friendly books and so on. But my parents made these rules not my church. No church can fix a broken family, with parents that exchange love with rigidity and false legality.

I was 6 years old when I decided that I was mature enough to give my life to the Lord and become a Christian; therefore accept his forgiveness of my sins. Only later did I really understand what Jesus death on the cross really means, but I already knew as a child that I only wanted to follow Jesus and God. Since I’ve been very little I witnessed how sick people were healed through prayer and how people got new hope through their relationship with God. I witnessed an active and lively form of Christianity, where everyone could be set free through Jesus death on the cross. Everyone was entitled to his love and could be strengthened through God.

But even my church wasn’t perfect and very obedient to law and often hypocritical as so many other churches are as well. I have no problem with Rules or laws, not even with the ones that structure your faith. I can understand many of the rules you can find in all the churches because some rules are good. Especially those you can find in the Bible, in the New Testament.

The most important rule out of the New Testament is: LOVE ONE ANOTHER AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Our whole Christianity is based upon this rule and I mean any form of Christian faith or believe. Another important rule is that all the rules of the Old Testament become obsolete through Jesus death at the cross.  These are the two most important rules in my opinion you can find in the New Testament.

As a teenager I had problem with the rules and laws that weren’t that clear, that people made, based on interpretations. More and more I witnessed that my church wasn’t only about God’s love. My church –like many other churches- created a system that made it easy for church members to judge over other church members.

If someone was working on a Sunday they were bitching about that. Someone had a Tattoo and this person already received the judgement that he had ruined his body/temple and so on. And so is it no surprise that my church war also very judgemental and imperative with the topic of homosexuality.

My former church like so many free churches, the Catholic Church (which I’m currently a member of) and probably many protestant churches viewed the topic of Homosexuality as something negative. There are exactly 6 passages (Genesis 1:26-28, Genesis 19:4-5, Leviticus 18:22, Romans 1: 21-31, 1. Corinthians 6:9-10, and 1.Timothy 1:9-10)   in the bible that mention Homosexuality, not many if you ask me. If we follow the traditional interpretation of these passages than we have to believe that all these passages are statements against Homosexuality. That is why so many churches view sexual orientation, if it is not heterosexual, as a sin. They believe that the bible is very clear about this and my former church didn’t believe any different.

My former church as well preached, that being gay or a lesbian is a choice, a choice we make consciously. A choice we make against God and against the forgiveness of our sins. No homosexual who is living as such, can fully be a Christian according to my former church’s teachings, because a real Christian lets go of all their sins of their past and of the present. But since people who don’t give up on being actively gay, or lesbian, or in my case bisexual live in sin, they can’t be real Christians.

That is way I kept my bisexuality a secret for such a long time. To big was the fear that my parents and my church would abandon me. I also couldn’t accept myself that I was bisexual. As my church I had the firm believe that I somehow had made a choice. That growing up in a broken family had let me to make the decision to be bisexual. I felt like shit.

As much as I wanted to actively live my faith, stand up for it, I couldn’t I strongly believed that God didn’t love me and that he couldn’t accept as one of his children, because I was bisexual. I thought that I committed a very big and bad Sin, that I never could have the relationship with God that I wanted and witnessed around me. I was very disappointed of myself and hated/loathed myself for being bisexual.

As soon as I know that my sexual orientation was ‘not normal’ I tried to fight it. Any feeling of Love or any crush for a girl or a woman was actively supressed by me. I tried to get rid of my supposedly wrong sexuality through daily prayer.

I even considered a so called conversion therapy, a “healing method” my former church endorsed to cure homosexuality (many Christians and churches believe that conversion therapy can help LGBT people to become straight) I tried everything, I could think of, to get rid of disposition (eat least I thought of my bisexuality as that at that time). But nothing worked and I ended up being very depressive and also suffered from eating disorder because of my troubles. I wasn’t even 14.

I was at the end of my strength and because I thought that God didn’t love me and that my faith had deceived me, I gave up Christianity. That’s how strong I felt that God or my church and family wouldn’t accept me because of me being bisexual.

But God didn’t give up on me so easily. I was 16 and a half years old when I went on another Christian Youth camp, this time it was an international camp. I was brave enough at that time to openly admit my struggles with Christianity. And it was during that time that I met people that seemed to respect and accept me more than the Christians in my closer environment did. Even though they still viewed the whole topic critically, they seemed to show some respect for people like me.

We also had a prayer room that was open 24hrs a day. One night I couldn’t sleep and decided to go to this prayer room in the hope to meet someone there I could talk to. The only person I found in the room was sleeping ,and I was therefore practically alone in a room that I once could associate with, but that was so foreign to me now.

First I sat down and read through all the prayers all the others had left there anonymously in a notebook.  The love I could find in these prayers brought back old memories. I once was like these people, full of passion for God. I once wanted to become a preacher, wanted to serve God with all my heart. And now I was just pretending to have faith, was thinking that I practised magic and in addition was still bisexual.

What had happened? Why couldn’t I be heterosexual? Why couldn’t I give up ‚my choice ‘for God’s love? I completely broke down. I was crying and silently asked God: „God why? Why can’t I give up this little flaw of mine? I mean I tried.  Why can’t I be the person I want to be for you? Why is bisexuality a sin? Why can’t I talk to anyone in my church about this? “I asked God so many questions. I just couldn’t deal with it any more, I was finished. Silence surrounded me and pain filled my heart. Everything seemed to so hopeless, as always. I was ready to leave again because of me being tired from all the crying, but then I heard a voice.

God has talked to me before, but never in such a way as he talked to me in this night. I couldn’t move, all my pain was gone and instead I could feel God’s voice and love inside me. God talked to me and his words were very clear when he said: „Tashina I LOVE YOU AS YOU ARE. YOU ARE BISEXUAL BECAUSE I MADE YOU THIS WAY!!! You have never sinned against me and that is why you shouldn’t hate yourself. I made you as you are and I make no mistakes. I SET YOU FREE T. YOU ARE FREE!!! Your love for me is enough. I don’t want you to change because I love you as you are.”  

I was free. All the self-loathing was gone, all my doubts were gone. I cried again, but this time because I finally knew that God loved, that it was ok to be bisexual. That he was a good father to me.

I only tried once to tell this story, to one of my Youth pastors. But as soon as he heard the word bisexual he silenced me. Since then I kept the whole story to myself, until today. I now share this profound event of my life because I want to bring hope to all the Christian LGBT people who struggle. You are loved, you mustn’t be ashamed. God doesn’t hate you because you are who you are. You are a part of his plan and no one of has to ever change, EVER. You are like me Sinners in the name of the Lord.


Thoughts are fre… not always



this is my first blog. Well actually it isn’t. I already tried to write a blog a few months back but was unhappy with the blog site and its offers and that’s why I relocated to WordPress. Well a bit of unneeded information here, but oh well.

I know that many bloggers introduce themselves first before they start to write proper texts that deal with the themes that interest them. I will do that, but in a more indirect way. You don’t really need to read more unimportant information. If there is topic I want to talk about and my life is affected by it directly, I will tell you so. As in today’s blog for example and now let me begin again with a more proper introduction.

So hello again, I’m  23 years old and live in Great Britain, but am German. I’m bisexual and normally I would leave it there. But not today, today a normal coming out is not enough. Because today I want to start to tell you my story and how my sexuality has controlled my life; or to be precise; how I tried to control my sexual orientation. Unfortunately I can’t just say: “I’m bisexual and that is a good thing.” Too many people still have a problem that not everyone is heterosexual. Even in present days, after there has been a massive change for LGBT people, we still face problems. Although a huge part of society is quite tolerant towards us, at least I want to believe that. A lot of Christians seem to have a problem with us, or so it seems.

WARNING!!!!! I myself am a Christian and that is why I will talk about my faith on this blog. If someone has a problem with that, please look for another blog before you say something offensive her. I don’t stupid comments here. END OF WARNING!!!

But also people who are not Christians, Atheists as well seem to have a problem with a small minority. And yes LGBT people are a minority. According to the latest stats only 1-4% per cent of all people ON THIS PLANET are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual. I don’t believe any official numbers and personally believe that we make up more 5-7% of the whole world population. It might be true that a great part has less or no problems with homosexuality, but the picture is a bit different when it comes to bisexuality. People like me, teenagers or adults face not only hostile treatment from “normal” people, but some gays and lesbians treat us very hostile as well. One of my former lesbian friends really said to be once that I was bisexual because I couldn’t face the fact that I was a lesbian. Another gay friend of mine told me that I was needy and just couldn’t enough because of me being bisexual. As if.  I’m not a player, I believe in the good old long lasting monogamous relationship. I’m not bisexual because I am extremely needy and greedy or because I’m a secret lesbian. To be honest I have no clue why I am bisexual. I just know that I fall in love with a girl sometimes and sometimes I fall in love with a boy. But many people can’t or won’t understand my sexual orientation and are ignorant towards it. Even my parents are ignorant. My life is defined by this ignorance and by missing respect for my sexuality. For a long time I tried to control my bisexuality, tried to suppress it. For a long time I imprisoned my thoughts instead of letting them be free. I was too afraid to tell my story for far too long. But I have enough of this; I can’t play this stupid game any longer and will stand to what I am. And that is why I will write how my sexuality influenced my life.