I’m in a pecurliar situation. I want to write a love letter but I can’t. Technically I could, but sending it would get me in a lot of
trouble. That is because the love letter would go to the man that hates me. To the man that was/is the love of my live, my ex-husband. He once loved me but things are different now. And so I can’t write the letter and send it to him. But the things I want to say, I need to say, I can’t keep them in me any longer. So I’m going to write this letter. Here it goes:
I know the last thing you want is a letter from me.
I know that you probably won’t even read this letter, but I need to write it. I need to, because for the last 5 yars I wanted to and didn’t. For the last 5 years I wanted to tell you how I feel, about us, about the things that happened with and without you. I know that you hate me, you told me so yourself indirectly and directly. I am the last person you want to see or hear of. And still I need to tell you something.
I need to tell you that I’m sorry. Sorry for the hurt I causd, sorry for not being the wife I should have been. Sorry for being so lost, although I found you. I am also sorry for another thing. I’m sorry that I still love you. Why, I don’t know. After all, our relationship was toxic and painful on both sides. After all, we hurt each other to extends that still have an effect on both of us. And still, I love you.
I know you don’t love me and that you don’t want me to love you. And I tried, I really tried not to. But once again I have to disappoint you and myself. Because all the trying; guess what it didn’t work. I moved to another country, just to get you out of my head. I tried to date, to find someone I could as equally love as I love you. I tried to ‘move on’, as they would say. But my soul, my heart is stuck, stuck with you. And that is the problem here.
While you were able to struck your love out of your heart and replace it with hate, I couldn’t. Despite everything that happened between us, I couldn’t just flip a coin and hate you too. Instead I tried to get out of our marriage, of our relationship, as unbruised as possible. Boy, did I do a bad job. I barely survived our breakup, and I mean that literally. After you left, I broke into a thousand little pieces. The first three months or so were the hardest. I couldn’t think, eat, breath. I wanted to die. I thought of ending my life. But I was so broken and shattered that I didn’t have the power to even follow it through. I was a living ghost.
I made it through these months. How, I still don’t know. In the following years I did the best I could to forget you, to not think of you. But I didn’t, even though I pretended that I did. The pretending part got easier throughout the years. It got easier to lie to myself and to others about my feelings, my thoughts about you. It got easier to say that our divorce was for the best. It probably was, but it didn’t feel that way. I got good in pretending that there were no good aspects of our relationship and marriage. At least I got good in telling others about the bad things while not mentioning the good bits. I really, really am great in telling people that I don’t care about you, while I actually do.
And I’m lying and pretending and faking it, because of two things. The first thing is, that you got over me so easily. That you managed to switch love with hate just like that. But most importantly, the world expects me to be over you. No one I ever met would accept, that after almost 5 years of seperation, 4 years of divorce; that after all this time, I’m not over you. Even worse, I still love you. No one could understand. Maybe because we were married for only 4 months. But they don’t seem to consider our relationship before that time. And some might call me crazy or mentally disturbed. Because I love you.
My head, every part of my body knows that I shouldn’t love. And a day doesn’t go by were I pray, were I hope that it just stops. Not a day goes by were I ask God, why he is doing this to me. Why he can’t either give you back to me or take my love away. I try to understand. Try to tell myself that God has a greater plan, or something. And sometimes I really wish I could just give up on God and be an atheist. Because, this love that so many find unreasonable and think I should give up. This love for you, it hurts, like a never ending burning fire. It is pure pain, because I know that you don’t love me. And I know that not being with you might be the best. I know all that, but the feeling is still there. No matter how hard I try. I date, I socialise, I have a live, I try not to think of you. It is still there and it hurts.
I am not going to deny that a lot of good things happened in the 5 years without you. I am not lost anymore, I found myself. I found the family, I never had but always longed for. I found friends that support me and are just the best. I found a father that loves me unconditionally and doesn’t try to destroy me. I found the home, I was looking for so long. I’m not longer trying to run away. I found strength, I thought I never had. I am fulfilling my life ambition and am actually studying at University. I am doing what I love. I’m following my passion. I’m happy, or almost happy.
I managed to accomplish all these things. But I wish that you would have been there when I reached all these goals. I wish that you were here now. Holding my hand, smiling at me. I wish you could just not hate me. I would give everything to see you again, even if it’s just for a minute. Just to see you smile for a minute. To have you here. I wish you could forgive me and believe my remorse. I wish I could get finally over you.
I will go speed dating next year. I have very low hopes that this is going to help. I don’t know if I will ever find someone, who I will love like I love you. If God is good, I will. But until then:
I love you, I’m sorry.