Monthly Archives: September 2013

The River in me

I promised you a full blog yesterday and here it is. Today I will talk more about my involvement with the “Response Time/ Pilotlight” project. I will explain a bit how I spend the last 35 hours and what I devised so far. I also will give some inside about the devising process I used to create a response piece to my stimuli and inspiration; a displayed canvas series in the gallery.

I already showed you my inspiration in my blog yesterday. When I stepped into the gallery on Thursday for the first time ever I noticed the “Three Rivers Dancing” immediately and was in awe. I was generally fascinated by Sandra Masterson’s artwork. Aislinn Knight’s work was inspiring as well, although Masterson’s work was more interesting to me. I had ideas right away and am still not sure if that was so, because I hadn’t devised any performance work for a while. All artworks were a real inspiration, as was the gallery itself; which was a car shop once.

After I inspected every inch of the gallery, I sat down to note my ideas down. I often do this when I devise work. Notes and photos help me a lot at times to formulate my ideas and to make them become clearer. Because I had a lot of inspiration and stimuli to choose from, I created a rather long lists of ideas. Here a little extract of all the ideas I had and to which stimuli they respond to:

  • To create a movement sequence based on “Three Rivers dancing”.

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  • To recite the poem “Der Erlkoenig” (by Goethe) while I hide ino of the secret cupboard of the gallery.

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  • Staging a spontaneous protest against the Kyoto protocol and to hold a hate speech against global warming.

  • Recording nature sounds and play them while I recite definitions and quotes concerning the topics of nature and landscape

  • To “re-open” one of the famous Parisian 1900 cafés and to hold a philosophical discussion about nature, art and landscape.

2013-09-19 14.13.18

The actual list is longer. But in the end I needed to make a decision and chose the ideas I wanted to pursue further. I choose three favourite ideas and decided to test them all out in the next 24 hours to see where they lead me. My main focus was on the creation of a movement sequence as a reaction to the already mentioned canvas series(„Three Rivers Dancing“), and was also considering to incorporate recordings of nature sounds. My second ideas was it to use Goethe’s poem and my last, to create a text out of definitions and quotes concerning nature & landscape and to perform that text

Yesterday I started my devising process, by focusing on my first idea; to create a choreography for my movement piece as a reaction to the picture. During the day I managed to devise my first two minutes of the final piece. I have to add, that it’s normal to spend so much time to create movements and to find the right/ fitting ones. This is because I attempt, to find and create movements, that are related to abstract terms. With this work, I had the goal in mind; to develop movements that retract & retrace the flow/ the forms of the depicted rivers. I especially wanted to develop step movements and patterns that duplicate and imitate the river paintings. But I also wanted to create this form of “cloning” & duplication with other body parts; such as my arms, my hips and my face.

In addition, I also wanted to create movements den I personally associate with the term ‘River’. I recalled memories of my childhood, my movement pattern of this time when I was playing at the river and tried to revive some of them. I tried to adapt this movements – inspired by memories – so that they fit the mode I sensed in the pictures. I also used the physical vocabulary system “In all Languages” to create some individual movements.

I tried to piece all individual sequences together, after I constructed enough of these. I edited and changed these many times, until I was happy with the result. Today (Saturday) I devised my movement piece further, still using the same techniques and managed to finish the piece. I can only hope that it will be at least half descent.

Then I had the idea to incorporate my third idea somehow and to use nature sounds and recorded text as the soundtrack of my piece. On Friday I was clever enough to record the water noises of a river near my house. I also searched the internet for any definition of nature and landscape last night. The best ones were copied and paste into a word document

First I read through all the definitions and got rid of the parts that weren’t interesting for me. Then I changed them and abstracted them, and also added a bit of my own text. Towards the end of the process I rearranged the snippets that were left and had a good text as a final product. I then recorded the text and another participant mixed the river sounds with the text recording and created a soundtrack for me.

It was great fun to devise my piece and to participate. Response Time just reminded me, that I made the right decision, to pursue my dream and to follow my passion. The last 35 hours once again reminded me, why I choose theatre and performing as my future. This project also offered a platform for me to use my fantasy,to work hard yet again and to develop my talent. I really cannot wait to share my piece and to maybe inspire people to find their own inner river. As I found my inner river.


My inspiration

Hi folks,

I know I promised a complete Blog, but sadly I cannot deliver today. My laptop broke down completely and I just managed to restore it its original state.

But I will give a little hint to my inspiration and my idea for the project I’m planning to do. I filmed  a river today that is near my house. If i get some descent Internet conncetion tomrrow I can and will upload the video to Youtube and share it on this blog. But I won’t promise that. My idea is it to create a movement sequence based on the movements of a river and based on the canvas series from  Sandra Masterson called “Three dancing Rivers”. Here is a photo of one of the canvases:

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I will post up as full blog about the devising process and other ideas I had, I promise.

My light is the Pilotlight

Today I’m going to blog about something different, I’m going to blog about art. Or to be precise my current involvement in a local arts project here in Wales.

As I mentioned in my introduction, I’m an artist or a performer to be precise. I hope that one day I will make acting or performing my profession and will be able to make a living out of the one thing I love to do and am more than passionate about. In the past two years I’ve been studying Performing Arts at my local college and will go to University next year. I needed to defer due to financial issues. And I really didn’t think I would get an opportunity that easily and that soon to do some performance work in this year.

But thankfully I thought wrong. I happened to follow the right people on Twitter and stumbled upon a tweet by James Baker who I met through my course. His tweet lead me to Sandra Bendelow and her account and I started to follow her. You see, Twitter has it’s merit and significance in our modern day society.

By following Sandra, who is a producer of Scriptography Productions, I did a smart thing. Because this company seeks to create opportunities for writers and/or performers who are interested in creating performance work, mainly written work made for performance. Check out their blog out to get more information and see what cool stuff they already did.

As luck had it, Scriptography Productions just had launched a new project and was looking for participants. This project will take place this weekend from the 20th until 22nd of September in the Gas Gallery in Aberystwyth, the next nearby town to where I live. Gas Gallery is a “new spot” in the art scene and community in this area. I always wanted to check this place out and now I had the perfect opportunity to do so. I checked out the project idea and its intend. I was captivated by the idea of creating a performance in just 48 hours and to perform it in a Gallery. To be frank, I always wanted to perform in a Gallery and now I had a chance to do so right in front of my face. I couldn’t resist and apply.

And thankfully my kind of application was accepted and now I will create a performance in response to the art that’s on exhibition. And I have to say I really love the paintings and installations that found their current place in Gas Gallery. The two artists( Sandra Masterson and Aislinn Knight) who exhibit their pieces in the space both incorporated the topic of nature and landscape, but both in their own way. Here are some photos of their work.


(Paintings by Aislinn Knight)


(Painting by Aislinn Knight)


(Painting by Sandra Masterson)


(Installation by Sandra Masterson)

I’m really excited and a bit nervous about my involvement in this project. It has been three months now since my last performance, but I think that this project is just the right start for me to not only get involved in the local art and performance community but to also find a space to develop my passion and my skills further.

I’ve been to the gallery today and felt very inspired by the space itself and by the work. Tomorrow I will blog about some of these inspirations and the process of developing my three favourite ideas and how I got them in the first place.

Helpful Links:

Gas Gallery homepage:

Project Outline:

Scriptography’s WordPress account:

A letter to some churches out there

Although this probably won’t be my last post concerning LGBT topics, it will be the last part of my series, concerning my personal experience and hardship with my sexual identity. I never had the chance to talk to someone from my former church, but feel that now might be the time. I therefore decided to write an open letter to them,  not only them but also other churches out there and are like them. I hope that some of these churches might take this letter as an opportunity to change.

To my church,

It feels weird writing this letter to you and all the members. I grew up amongst you all. I know a lot of you people personally and played with all your second generation when I was your child. I went to Sunday school and enjoyed every minute of it. All my friends during my childhood and teenager/ adolescent years where members of this church. You were my second family, the place I called ‘home’.

And I’m ashamed that I never told you in person why I don’t call you ‘home’ any longer; why I have left. Why I decided to make a complete 180 degree turn and become Catholic. I never gave you any reason, but I always believed you somehow knew any way why I left. And if you didn’t, then a lot of you just proved my opinion, my reason for leaving.

Because when I left, I not only lost a great church but also most of my friends. All of the sudden people stopped talking to me. And a lot of church members behaved unfriendly towards me. And that is why I left, my former church. I couldn’t participate and be witness to the church’s legality, self-righteousness, bigotry but most of all the church’s behaviour towards LGBT people and none church members.

From the outside, you seem to be the perfect charismatic church, but you struggle like so many other evangelical churches with the same problems. Sure you have a great worship with modern songs. And your Sunday service is very charismatic, modern and almost never boring. And all the leaders try to engage personally with the church members and everyone tries to have a personal and friendly relationship with each other. And all this is great and undoubtedly your strength. Many Catholic, Protestant/Anglican churches are not like that.

But all this isn’t going to save you from your faults. For years the memberships of your church have been declining and all you can think of preventing this, is by modernising your Sunday Service more. But people don’t leave because your service has become boring. They leave – and that is why I left because you have become a church practising legality over love. Your leaders and the powerful in the church have created an atmosphere where everyone is a fair game for wrong and hateful judgement by others, especially by the elite. Once someone seems to do something that goes against the bible, even against the old rules of the Old Testament, they have to face your judgement, some heavy group pressure and a bad image as a burden.

No one is save. A woman only needs to wear a shirt that shows too much cleavage and she already is in trouble. But it’s even worse how you handle the LGBT and Sex topic. You tell your teenagers and young adults that they will lose part of their soul when they have sex before marriage. When I confined in a church member that I had sex before marriage, she betrayed my trust, told everyone and I was punished. I was told to repent and that I was not walking with God any longer. I didn’t even dare to indicate that I’m bisexual.

Your church doesn’t even teach children that they are LGBT people out there and parents are advised to only talk about the topic when asked. I didn’t know anything about homosexuals until I was 12 because of this praxis. But what is even worse is how you condemn the LGBT community. When you preach about this topic, you always have the same message: Love the Sinner, hate the Sin. Do you know how this sounds to such a sinner? After a while I couldn’t hear it any more. After a while I felt not accepted any more and knew I have lost my second family; my second home. And although you tell to love the sinner, you don’t really keep to your own word. You openly and publicly endorse conversion/ ex-gay therapy and have advised some of your own members to complete such a therapy. This therapies are dangerous and every existing health organisation in this world warns and advice against them. Instead of treading people in your church that believe that they might be homosexual with the care they seek, you tell them that they need to be freed. You offer them to pray against their temptations and help them to get back on the right path. If someone doesn’t want to change, you accuse them of making the wrong choice and that they will have to pay for their decision one day.

I once believed all this crap and let this hatred control me and every part of my live. But then my eyes were opened and I couldn’t participate in this way of life no longer. It is not right that I as a respected member, who grew up amongst you, have to suppress what I am by nature. It is not right that you tell me that I made a choice, that I was able to choose which gender I feel attracted to. It is not right that people are uneducated and afraid and only know the one side of the story. Your suppression, your message is damaging to the people concerned and to yourself. You indirectly fuel homophobia and directly brainwash church members like my mother, who still believes in your message. Your behaviour, your legality leads to the declining membership that concerns you. LGBT people amongst you probably suffer from depression and self loathing. They either hide their orientation and pretend to be ‘normal’ or even enter conversion therapy to change. The ones who won’t change have no future in your church and have to leave it behind, like me. And like me this people are probably bitter about the experience they made.

Dear Church, I am bitter, enraged, sad and hurt. All this feelings stand in the way to be objective towards you, to forgive you. I battle with these feelings for years now. I know they are not right, I know I should forgive you. And maybe by writing all these things down, by letting my anger out I’m able to. I wish that this becomes reality. I’m sorry for being angry at you but I’m also sorry for the way you behaved and maybe still behave towards the LGBT community.

I admit that I’m weak and far from perfect, but that is why I’m a Christian. Because I know I need Jesus and his unconditional love. I know that without God I wouldn’t be here. But are you able to admit your faults? Are you able to look at your teachings and behaviour a bit closer? Are you able to see, that we are all made in God’s way, no matter if we are straight or gay? I left because I felt not save any more, because I couldn’t see God any longer. He loves me the way I am, this I know. He told me so personally. I don’t need to change for him, so why should I for you?

Dear church, I’m sorry for all of this and for never telling you the truth. I sometimes miss that great place that I called home and all the people I called friends and I so wish that these people could just try to understand.

Your former Church member